Thirty Years

it has been thirty years
since her heart has been touched
years spent benind walls, behind guards
lonely months spent under glass
seeing but not feeling

then one day the walls fell
the guards shed their armor
and lay down their swords
the little girl stepped through the glass
and walked to the other side

the words were soft and warm
they fell gently around her
arms encircled her
inside, her heart tickled
like the wings of a butterfly

her senses were enlivened
the colors were brighter
it was so joyous, she laughed
it was so beautiful, she wept
it was so good and pure and strong
it frightened her, so she ran to hide

what must it be like to live
after so long being asleep?
to hear music when one's heart
has so long known tears?
what must it be like to feel the touch
of humanity after thirty years?

the little girl sits
hiding her face with her hands
overwhelmed with her feelings
knowing Renee understands


TM is an editor and freelance writer living in Lakewood, Colorado.  She has been enthralled with the written word since childhood.  At age 10, she developed her own magazine and named it the Groovy Gazette, typing out copies by hand and distributing it to neighborhood friends.  Over the years, she has written numerous poems and prose.  Although TM was clinically diagnosed 7 years ago, the seeds of mental
illness were planted in her childhood, more than 30 years ago.  She is
currently undergoing psychotherapy: this she describes as learning to create a kaleidoscope from broken shards of glass.

I was an emotionally sensitive child, yet expressing my feelings
and needs often went unnoticed or was met with disapproval.  My trusting nature and hunger for nurturing led me into a situation where that trust was violated.  I learned that my feelings and needs were not OK -- in fact, that they were dangerous. 

More than 30 years ago, a part of me went into hiding, behind layers of denial and dissociation.  This vulnerable "child" remained hidden for over 30 years.  However, it has only been in the last 7 years, since my major breakdown and entrance into therapy, that I have begun to rediscover this lost part of myself.  
                  - TM